


Some People Are Better Off Dead

by LOTLOF



Category: Original Work
Genre: Humor, Multi, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 11:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LOTLOF/pseuds/LOTLOF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A husband's last will and testament reveals a whole lot more than his widow is ready for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some People Are Better Off Dead

"If you are watching this, then I'm probably already dead."

Linda sobbed at the sight of her poor husband on the monitor. Jason had been a good loving man and had taken good care of her and the children. He'd spent a lot of time away on business but that had been necessary. He'd built his company from the ground up and had to work really hard to keep it growing, especially with the economy the way it was. He had recently died on a business trip to Las Vegas and she was here now listening to a video recorded will. She was grateful to have her children here with her along with her parents and her sister Charlotte.

She looked at her dear sweet Jason's face as the recording continued.

"So how did I die? Was it an angry lover? Did I do too much blow? Or did the Yakuza finally catch up to me?"

Startled Linda blinked and looked around the room. "What… what did he say?"

"Mommy," Chalis who was four and her youngest asked. "What's 'blow'?"

"What's Yakuza?" Seven year old Hunter asked.

"Daddy had angry lovers?" Eleven year old Terran said excitedly. "That's awesome! I can't wait to tell my friends!"

Charlotte slapped a hand over Terran's mouth. "Say a word about this and I'm telling your mother about those magazines I found under your bed."

His little eyes leapt from his aunt to his mom as the will continued.

"Well I guess it doesn't really matter." Jason said with a shrug. "I had a pretty amazing life, but now that I'm dead there are some things I need to tell you honey. Now first off you should expect a visit from some folks from the IRS and maybe the DEA and possibly Immigration too. They'll be seizing all the company assets and the house and all our personal property. That includes all your jewelry too, so give your wedding ring and anything else you want to hold on to, to your mom. Legally they won't be able to touch it that way."

Linda glances at the lawyer. "Is this some sort of practical joke?"

The lawyer just shook his head.

"But don't panic sweetheart, I would never leave you and the kids unprovided for. Remember those 'investments' (on the screen he made air quotes with his fingers) I made in the Cayman Islands? Well you'll find the bank book along with the pass codes in the top right hand drawer of my desk at home. There should be about five million stashed in there, which should be plenty to take care of the family. Just make sure to take a trip out there in the next couple of days and transfer the money to some Swiss accounts. You and the kids will need to move after that, and it might be a good idea to change your names too."

"This is not happening," Linda muttered.

"Looking back on things it might have been a mistake to take investment capital from Japanese mobsters, but hey, who knew? I mean they had such good manners and they made money laundering, drug trafficking, and white slavery sound so darn easy you know? Oh, and that reminds me, if you ever have any really well dressed Asian looking guys come up to you asking to talk in private scream rape as loud as you can and just run."

Linda could hear her mom whisper to her dad. "I told her not to marry him. Scott Bowlens was such a nice boy, and I bet he was never a drug dealer."

"Now that pretty much covers the business end of things." Her late not so lamented husband continued. "That still leaves the personal issues. Now Linda, you know you were the love of my life right? You were my wife, my love, and the mother of most of my children."

"Most?"

"Now I think you should know that I had a few little indiscretions. I mean when you've got piles of cash and mountain of coke with you he women just sort of show up." On the screen he held his hands up. "Now honey I want you to understand that these women never meant anything to me; they were just sex. Amazing, mind blowing, jaw dropping sex; I mean there are girls out there who will do anything for just a line of coke. As a man how could I turn that down? I mean let's face it, you didn't even like giving me head."

"Mommy!" Chalis said. "Why would you give daddy someone's head?"

Groaning Linda put her face into her hands.

"If it helps I always tried to think of you when I was with these other women. You just have no idea how many times I wished you could do the sort of things they did. You never knew most of these women but there were a few you did know. There was Carol from accounting, Cindy my first secretary, Jodie my second secretary, Maria from the grocery store, Tina my third secretary, Rachel who works at the bank, Paula my fourth secretary, Gwen our insurance agent, Dawn my fifth secretary, Miss Rogers from Hunter's elementary school, Karen my sixth secretary, our babysitter Natalie…"

"Dad slept with Natalie!" Terran shouted. "That is so cool! I want to be just like him!"

Charlotte smacked him in the back of the head.

"Ow! What was that for Aunt Charlotte?"

"After all this is over I am going to teach you about social diseases."

Meanwhile the seemingly endless list of conquests continued.

"… and Drew my tenth secretary. But I swear to you darling none of them meant anything to me."

Linda was crying. She had never doubted Jason's love or that he was faithful to her. She had been completely and totally fooled by him. "Was there anyone we knew that he didn't sleep with?"

And as if in answer…

"The one relationship I really regretted was with your sister Charlotte."

All eyes turned in her direction.

"Damn it, he promised he wouldn't ever tell anyone." Charlotte muttered.

"Charlotte! You… how could you?" Linda tried to ask.

As if answering for her Jason continued. "It really did start innocently enough. You remember when her and Ted separated? You were the one who invited her to come stay with us, so when you think about it this was sort of your fault. I mean I saw her in bra and panties one time and I just couldn't help myself. I mean your sister has got an amazing body; you grew up with her so you know. She needed comforting, I was available, one thing led to another. I swear I would have stopped after the first time but the sex was just so damn good."

Linda stared at her sister not believing it. "Just how long did this go on?"

"Eight years," Charlotte admitted. "We were together just last month."

"I don't believe my own sister… how could… is there any other horrible secret I should know?"

"Well…"

"I'm not totally sure but I think both of her kids are mine." Jason said. "Oh and Charlotte babe, if you happen to be watching this don't worry I set aside a million for you and the kids. It's in a trust fund under your name so the money should be safe."

"So does this mean Tony and Sue are my brother and sister or are they still my cousins?" Terran asked.

With a wordless cry of fury Linda jumped on top of her sister. Linda tried to choke her to death as Charlotte tried to fight her off. Their parents and the lawyer tried pulling them apart as the kids stood there and watched.

"I'm confused," four year old Chalis said. "Why are mommy and Aunt Charlotte fighting?"

"I'll explain later while mom is burning all of dad's pictures." Hunter promised.

Just as the two women were finally pulled apart there was a loud commotion from outside the office.

"Stop the tape!" A man shouted. "There was a huge mistake! I've been passed out drunk the last three days and someone stole all my ID!"

The door to the office burst open and there was Jason, slightly hung over, but otherwise alive and well.

"Daddy!" All three children called out happily.

The adults present did not look so happy to see him. In particular Linda was glaring at him malevolently.

"Hey honey, I'm alive." He held his arms out to her. "Aren't you happy to see me?" He looked nervously at the monitor. "About my will I can explain all that. Ah, you are glad I'm alive aren't you?"

"Yes Jason I am." Linda walked towards him.

"Really?"

"Yes… BECAUSE NOW I GET TO KILL YOU MYSELF!"

She delivered a swift and savage kick to his most overused part of the body. He cried out in a high pitched voice and dropped to the floor. Linda then proceeded with a vicious stomping with her high heeled shoes, with most of her kicks delivered to just one spot.

Watching this Terran shuddered. "I take it back; I don't want to be like daddy after all."


End file.
